Saturday, June 26, 2010

So , here's the thing...

So , here's the thing...

I know that my problem is no greater then other people's problem,and I'm aware that it is part of life. But, it still pains me inside. Just like any problem would pain any random person in this world.

I won't post detailed version of what may be the problem, but that problem has pained my family. But there is no other way than chin up and stand up straight . It is heartbreaking that I couldn't be of any help for my parents right now. And every time my mother called, I felt powerless. I am an Island away, and all I can see is my parents in this condition that they're not supposed to be in.
I pray to dear God,.. Guide us.. it's all I can ask of right now. Because what we want may not be what we need. And sometimes , we're oblivious with what we need. All I want is to see my parents in a state of contentment.

I booked a ticket for August, everybody is assuming that it is because of this concert in Jakarta, and everyone who knows me knows, that music concerts is one of my fetish. But, you know, it may started that way, but now, weather I see the concert or not that would not be a significant thing. I'm just hoping that by then the house is sold, and it wil be an all together happy occasion. We will get by.

( and I would be able to see him , I would like him to be the one who visited me first, because I'm a dork who fantasies about the knight with shining armour who's going to save me,  but  yeah well, for practicality sake..)

Wait for the perfect wave, and when it arrives, ride it.

Wait for the perfect wave, and when it arrives, ride it.

It sounds literal, since I moved here.

Back then, it has always been the feeling of endless delay, that something should fall in front of me, while I’m waiting for the bus to arrive. Something, a fallen piano, a fallen house, a fallen magical book of some kind. And my life should start right there, at that very moment, at that very second. Pull me out of the state of melancholia.

You see, I know that I will never overthrown the melancholia, the sudden overwhelming sadness that I felt from time to time. That’s why they invent the Blues in the first place, right? To make people like me, go teary eyes over an old lady who cross the street for no apparent reason.

Now, something has happen. Life happens. I chose my new adventure, take a one way ticket to Bali, and the only thing I feel is anticipation, of making this new place my home. It has been six months and Bali has nurtured me well.

I have a Love and Hate relationship with Jakarta, the city I lived for most of my life. I grew up there, I live and breath the south of Jakarta, the street food, it used to be a great place to live. It used to be simple, less traffic jam, less pollution. It’s the Big Durian, either you love it , or you hate it. But in the name of economic progress it turns into this big cluttered messy urban jungle, with crappy mass transportation and people who seems to can’t be responsible with their own trash. There’s even a tour for foreigners to see how the poor live and dwell in Jakarta. It is true when they say, Jakarta has everything for everyone, the good and the bad.

If you talk about inspiration, Jakarta is abundance. But there is a difference between having inspired and making that inspiration into your own set of statement. Between work, and having to spend most of your time in a traffic jam, you just don’t have any spare of energy left. Your work,that depends entirely on inspiration, became empty and meaningless, just lines and shapes of whatever. It has become clear for me, I need oxygen.

One thing that I learn through out my life, is that all is in your hand. I had a painful rite of passage, and I can’t blame anyone for that, it is me, who shaped my future. It is me who made the decision. and it is me who has the power to overcome. And along the way, there are always going to be something or some one , who will come along in your path, to help, to teach, and to care. Open your eyes, and open your heart, even the old lady who crossed the street that made me teary eyed has teach me something. The feeling of endless delay starts to fade when you realize this.

Fate has led me to this, I do what I have to do. There’s nothing surprising about me moving out from the city. It is something that has been long overdue. If it’s not Bali it’s somewhere else. It is all in my hands. Be patient with me, people, I’m learning to live.

JUDGE

A social retard, I am, scientifically can’t withstand new environment. But I hot stamped Courage, Perseverance and Humility on my forehead, to make me move forward, one day at a time. Slowly, absorbing, I don’t want to be loud and entertaining. That’s some one else’s job.

Being human, a friend of mine likes to boast how he has the sense to tell people’s personality and read them clear. But, I guess there’s a difference between reading people and judging them. People has layers of personality, multifaceted behavior , even the ones who looks like they are straightforward and no nonsense type of person. So, whose to say that this person is this and that? He ends up judging people the minute he assume that he knows what type of person this particular man he just met for the first time.

And that for me, is offensive. Call me naive, but I believe in the light people possessed in side of them. There is always room to grow and improve, though it is true, that every person has a core personality that will never be changed. I have a core that will never change. I am one of a kind, just like you are.

I can’t understand why people should boast about how they can see things that other can’t see, like my friend there. He’s a good person, totally respect him as a friend. But isn’t that being arrogant? If you know such things, deep things, things of wisdom, there’s a certain kind of tone embodied in your voice and body language. modesty and humility. Bending inward. The more we know, the more we realized that we don’t no anything.-Socrates-

Ahh, but sure, who am I to say that he’s arrogant? I could be the arrogant one by complaining about a person’s vice. I am not superior nor inferior among others. I am just being human. I too get misunderstood, a lot. Being a social retard, sometimes made me felt like being wrongly treated and construed. Which made me feel comfortable not talking at all, save my energy. There’s too much bullshit going on already, and I do not want to contribute to that.

But you know what? a lot of boasting and crap talking can get you far here...

DEFINITLY










“ The Saddest part of a broken heart, Is not the ending so much as the start,
  The Tragedy starts from the very first sparks, losing your mind for the sake of your heart " -Feist


Maybe this is a usual love story, maybe this is only one of many stories that has been written and analyzed. Maybe this is just a story about a boy and a girl. Maybe,perhaps,this is a story about human connection.

This relationship starts awkwardly, and still moves awkwardly, strange but fitting, with a tint of sadness in the air, for we don’t know the outcome of this. Is there any chance for us to even touch each other? for all I know, he has become my thin rope somewhere in the air, that I glide with. Navigating romance in the modern world, we spoke in the telephone and chat on the internet. Can we even call this a relationship? I need a ground that I can stand on, before we meet, all this thing that we are doing right now, is like a thin smoke in the air, so fragile, so without a weight, I can’t touch it, I can’t feel it, I can’t remember his face, but all this feeling inside of my heart suggest that I long for him. That maybe along the line, all this waiting is worth it in the end.

What is it in him, that made me open up so wide, showing my wounds, and tears that came out, just because I could not even give him a big warm hug when he needed one?

I wonder what made him want me?

The past can not be edited, but sometimes, I wonder, what if we take our chances along time ago? And we do not have to deal with this situation of wants and needs divided by this distance. But then again, maybe, the both of us need to take some journey in our lives separately, to evolve into someone that is compatible for each other. That maybe, all of this hardship that we endure, is just another passage we need to get by. I don’t know, I seriously don’t know.

That’s why there’s this sad undertone about our relationship. Both of us, can’t see the shore. yet.


There are so many years has passed without me seeing his face, this relationship is based on our memories. This relationship is based on our dreams. All I can hold on dear inside of my heart, for right now is his voice. The way he advise me, all those practicality of life that I always seems to not know, he knows. He’s soothing voice, telling me not to cry, when I become a cry baby over nothing. ( I only cried in front of the people I hold dear in my heart). The excitement of his voice when he talks about football. His voice when he demands answer from me. His articulate way of explaining things, unlike me, who just mumbles incoherent words. He is simple, and I’m tangled up. I want to understand him better, but I couldn't even see his expression. 

So this is what it feels like, huh? 
 



When Life Happens

When life happens, don’t forget to once in awhile take a deep breath and ponder about why crabs walk sideways.


Those little wonders, just take a few minutes of your precious time. Between your home and your office, the people you met, the people you try to avoid, the people you try to understand, the Hoopla of your life, as chaotic as it seems, it’s just a part of a big systematic chaos and order relationships. You must unravel and be undone, before you could be rebirth. That’s how it is.

The world, the earth, the place where odd creatures roams, where words can cut like a knife and a nod means yes. Where bank accounts are your safety net and a single piece of paper can buy you a cup of coffee, morning newspaper and a bus ride. Just pick one person in that over filled bus and guess what problem he has. His pain is as painful as yours. No matter what problem he has. We all have scars, and life happens.

And then we forget the little wonders, the crabs that walk sideways, the blooming flowers, the fish that goes upstream, people’s smile, the mechanical genius of an analog clock, we forget to say thank you, and sorry. You thought that you deserve the right to be rude, because it’s a dog eat dog world. Did you not now, that happiness can sprung from helping people? Even though there’s an ongoing argumentation about wether you help people to feel good about yourself, or it’s genuinely a selfless act. but that’s another matter.


When your problems, seems to consume you, just take a moment out of your situation. Take a deep breath, and observe how the sun ray falls in between the trees and buildings, observe how each man and women has their own signature walk. Those little wonders, may not solve your problem, but they could offer you a sense of release. Just be silent, let your self absorb your surroundings, and surrender. There’s nothing wrong with being succumb to your being.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Oii just bursting

Pursuing the endless gutter of the industry of cool.
The world is spinning so crazy, disrupted,polluted, decaying, the inner part of the earth will expand and explode inside out. And for a moment, gravity will stop pulling our weight down, deaf and light we will float until we’re done with our flashback. And none of those cans of different tomato sauce in the supermarket lines that taste all the same will save you from the end.
The timer of our life span ticks on,tick tock tick tock, and you felt like you are in some game show and time’s ticking away, your whole life depends on your answer. You live your life in such blindness that you ignore all the lessons given. ‘If only I pay attention to something more important than cellulite’ Or it ‘s a different scenario, you’re young and stupid, you wake up one day with a bad hangover, and a guilt, but you cannot remember what exactly did you do to endure such guilt. How do you fix such mess? If you won the lottery, you could always say it’s a sweet mistake. But, seriously? a lottery?

So, here we go

It has been awhile since the last time I write on a blog. 

So many things had happened, as what life should be. Ups and downs, lows and highs. There's nothing that I write that is any different from anyone's life story. Except, that this is my life story.


" Life is nothing but the occasional burst of laughter raising above the interminable wail of grief"

I hate to use this to define life, but sometimes, it felt ... like, yes. it is. Oh those laughter, so precious, those moments you can't remake, what I know right now, is that, Life is.....( please fill up the blanks with anything you want)

So, here I am, being an adult. 
Decision making seems more instantly connected to the future. It's not going to be 5 more years from now, not 2 years from now, but RIGHT NOW..., this is it. That's your wave, ride it. 
All based on assumption. I assume that if I make this decision then the impact will be...

So, here I go again, trying to write for my survival...

Bare with me..